I Got 99 Problems But Depression Ain’t One

Over the holidays we spent a week in Poland with our friends, I was sick for a day when we arrived and sick for a day when we got back. 

Something happened in Poland, I love that place and I love our friends there dearly. 
I am wondering if a Polish Priest did a quick exorcism while I was having a plate of Gołąbki in the cafe on the town square. 
Ever since Poland, I have felt great.

As you know my mental health got better and better last year, these past few months I have quantum leapt! 
For the first time in YEARS I am not haunted by pangs of worry and anxiety, I don’t blank out when looking at my computer screen and wake up wondering where the day went. 
I have stopped lunging for my phone every two seconds to check Facebook and all that other shit.
I hoover up blogs of people I know personally instead of Buzzfeed, ‘save me now health sites’ and newspapers.

My Problem
I still have eye-watering huge debts after a shit advice, from a shit government business support agency who are so shit they did not know how to use the calendar meeting function in fucking Microsoft Outlook let alone use the Internet for business. 
Looking back maybe that is why they were so quick to give me £10,000 for my amazingly shit and immature business plan.

Add to that the £3000 legal bill to get untangled from franchise I brought with the £10,000 and you can see why I like being a freelancer and not an entrepreneur. 
ANYWAY – it was still cheaper than an MBA, as you can tell I am not bitter. 

Constant, Small Daily Steps
In the same way, I thought I could pay that debt off in one hit, (of course I could not) a deluded part of me thought I could get well in one day. 
We get in such a rush to be ‘normal’ / ‘not sick’ / ‘back on track’ and all those things we don’t allow ourselves time to heal, so we make ourselves even sicker. 
The big fucker with depression is you don’t look injured even when you are screaming inside. 
– A gunshot wound to the arm and everyone knows you are out of action. 
– A churning of negative thoughts and anxiety in your head know one can see that. 

And Suddenly…
I have been poking the box at writing, podcasting, working online and making some money doing all of those things for what seems like ages. 
Now between podcasting, blogging and teaching online it is all coming together. I am loving it. 

Here is how I noticed….
1. I wake up before 05:30am and can’t wait to meditate and write. 
2. I walk places and don’t run, I have more time.
3. I am able to just play with #Babybernie and cook at night, not ‘quickly finish something’.
4. When people say how do you make money I can tell them – and send them to a link 😉
5. I am super happy chatting about what is not working as much as what is working.
6. I enjoy going out and meeting people again, in fact, I am interested in people and not Netflix.
7. Even when I am sick I feel great.
8. I am super fine tuning my content production workflow, using tools like Publicate, Spreaker, Write Push, Fancy Hands, Rainmaker, Grammarly and of course Trello
9. I publish content daily.
10. I hit publish quickly, before the quest for total perfection sets in and get to the next bit. 
11. See number 10. 


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