Write as I am.

So here how the day goes. Or rather how my writing goes.

What I think I mean is “how my writing does not go.”
This time I am aware of it.
I wake up, I POWER out cutting edge prose on 750words.com and then get ready for something. Does not matter what, it involves trying to leave the house with a small child and get to a bus stop.
I then gaze out the window of the bus and reflect on how good I am to have written everyday for so many days.

(Short aside)
A big part of being ‘fixed’ / mended / not wanting to kill myself once a week / has been to build and stick to a routine.
I LOVE tweaking the routine, looking for the edges and to track what is a waste of time and this also shows up what I am avoiding.

I have a little app on my phone. (Actually it looks the same size as all the others.) Where I tick off what I need to do everyday, just to make the day work and make me happy inside.
I’ll share the list in a bit.

Post a blog features everyday, this is really important and I don’t always do it.
In fact you have been kind enough to remind me that I promised myself that I was going to blog EVERYDAY in 2015 and, well, there is no escaping the fact I have not done it.

Every few days #Supercoolwife asks me “how is your blog going? What have you posted?”
Of course this is meant as encouragement.
If she said “Bernie, I am leaving you for Iain Duncan Smith MP” I would be less crushed and angry.

Of course I am not angry with her, I am angry with myself for NOT posting.

Getting over the anger – it comes to this…
I am scared.
Not scared of being deported. Not scared of my child pulling my brain out my ear while I sleep. Not scared of Iain Duncan Smith MP stealing my wife.

I am scared of what I have written and thought being read and then maybe even someone I know asking me about it.

Why I would worry about someone asking me about I don’t know.
Hardly anyone has ever been nasty to me on line, when I say hardly anyone I mean like every TWO years someone is snarky and that is it.

It really is none of my business what anyone thinks about me, I understand this at an intellectual level but “shipping” and “hitting publish” seem hard to do.

If you have a book about fear of success please don’t send it, I have explored that genre extensively – in fact if you need help with you PHd paper on it I could write it for you – I am that skilled on it.

I have just read back over this and it sounds like self loathing.

This is meant as a confession and re-commitment.

I have been walking around all week thinking how to kick start my blogging again and what to write about.
The best blogs I write are the stream of conciousness ones where I don’t really think about it. I am blogging to share thoughts, ideas, what I am up to and what I need help with.
Some little “office helper” pops up every now and then to try an convince me I am handing in an essay to a particularly arsey teacher so better groom and perfect what I am doing.

It’s MY fucking blog and I am blogging – even if nobody reads it.

Seth Godin is forever advocating blogging everyday for your own personal sanity, development and over coming fear.

Fear is something that eats me up, fear of nothing really – I heard a cute line that F.E.A.R. is “false evidence appearing real” – I am scared about running the London Marathon this year, I am scared about blogging every day and I am scared to sit quietly meditating everyday. In a short space of time my life and mental well being have improved by doing these things everyday.

So here is the deal. You might want to not read this blog for a few months – there will be spelling mistakes, typos, ill thought out ideas – I am thinking them here to share – bad jokes and more than a few things that don’t work.

I just have to post and I am more concerned with posting and laughing that some were crap later than I am polishing them for your approval. It takes me 25 minutes to write a good 750 words and takes you less than five minutes to read so all the effort is over here. I am also grateful that you read.

More later 😉

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