I been waiting for for my "Bernie Blog" URL to be back up and running so I could write about this.
I have to write about this.
Last week the inside of my brain started to melt.
Of course it did not really start to melt but that is what it felt like.
Then I felt like I had been given a frontal lobotomy - I have not had one of those either but I guess that is what it feels like.
A few weeks ago my Doctor doubled my medication dosage. THAT medication - the anti-depressants. People always want to know "are the working?" I am say something like, "Well I don't think about killing myself as often as I did" - this is the sort of joke I'd make anyway so people are not sure what to think.
The real £ucker is that for a little while I was flying, I remember walking down the road a few weeks ago and had a feeling that I'd had both at the end of the London Marathon and also in my youth at 4am in the morning in Pacha in Ibiza - a rush of euphoria. Immediately I was a little suspect as walking around flying off your head has got to end somewhere....
It seemed it ended this Tuesday just gone - this was the final nail.
I now am running with the conviction that I have gone so emotionally low I am bouncing back up again. The way I felt on Tuesday was like being a drunk teenager who had just had his heart broken by the prettiest girl in school.
When this happens what really hurts is that I can't think - I love writing, messing around with words, connecting both people and ideas. However, when I feel shit none of that flair comes naturally, in fact it does not come at all. It's like trying to cook a organic roast dinner in a shit microwave.
I have got some epic projects waiting in the wings - I know why Craig David called his album "Born to do it" now.
Somedays the little pockets of fear are completely disabling, there are people around me that just keep me going and phone me up even though I don't want to talk to anyone. Amazingly when you feel crap a part of you is determined to carry of feeling crap so puts monumental effort into avoiding all routes to "feeling ok". Then I go mad at myself for feeling crap, of course this get me no where so I feel more crap and get worried about all the good stuff around going wrong.
Most of the time when I feel crap I make myself go, often I arrive somewhere and I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth and then suddenly I am ok. It is a mental thing, not a physical thing.
Sometimes I feel that if I arrived at a table and my head fell off or had a gunshot wound it would be easier to explain, well people would understand better - they have a point of social reference for these physical things - being unstable is, well unstable - not stiff upper lip.
On the flip side when I get somewhere and I am ok it makes me think what would happen if I did not go, I could stay on my sofa for months! I jest but you do have to work out are you "feeling shit" or are you genuinely tired? Sometimes you just need to rest, even simple things like writing blogs are exhausting so I'll take my leave here....!
TBC...
