Last night I could not dare to sleep. I knew the best thing to do would be to sleep and then wake up and hope it was all over. So of course I stayed up and felt even more shit this morning.
Luckily I had the internet and was able to pass the time watching You Tube videos... I had watched this Ruby Wax video when it came out in 2012 and thought 'how cute' then at the end of 2012 my brain melted and now I have a better understanding of what she is talking about.
In this Ruby jokes about if you have a broken arm everybody talks about it because they can see it, with depression and mental illness you can't 'see it' which is a bit of a pain in the arse for people who have are in this 'situation'.
My Nan had a mental health condition and as I have been on my journey I have come to understand more about how this affects the people around you and vice versa.
Screaming at your child will, in turn have your child screaming at you and then you end up taking each other on. From an early age I was a big fan Gandhi - be the change you want to see - and I think this is especially true with children.
So I was double pissed at myself yesterday when I shouted at #Babybernie and stormed out the house.
Storming out used to be my party trick - at home, family parties and sometimes work. I could not believe I had stormed out on my beloved wife and child, actually I could be understand how I had even got in that situation as I have not decently lost my temper for ages, in fact I have felt calm and un-frustrated ever since I have got help.
A lot of this journey has woken me up and taught me how not to get in situations and take care of myself. Mediating and mindfulness is truly amazing. Yesterday I meditated to calm down and at the same time I suddenly understood that I was not going to switch off being angry and upset but I could take steps to control it. Some of this is painful and I just don't understand why I am so down, but at least I know how to sort myself out, for a large chunk of my life from childhood to recently I have been a huge ball of confusion and undisclosed frustration, when I was little I'd show off or throw tantrums, when I was older I'd pour alcohol and narcotics down my throat to either numb or enhance what was going on.
This is connected to my misinterpretation of progression in life is 'when I have this I will be here'.
People are always on a quest to be happy by doing something why do so many of us think it is a good idea to work at something we don't like very much for 50 weeks of the year just to be able to blow a lot of money on 2 weeks holiday? I think it is the bit in between and being awake that count. Or think of this - how good of a deal would it sound if someone offered you 30 years work with 60 weeks off and 18,000 hours commuting? No one offered me this but I had a deep resistance to it, or anything like it - I think Philip Larkin had a lot to do with this.
Which leads me to this.
Thursday is the day I look after #Babybernie, so I 'work' four days a week, I start early in the morning and if I stay focused I am done and in the park with #Babybernie by 4:30pm.
I get more meaningful work done this way and I get to spend more time with my beloved wife and child, everything is slower and my stress level is in check.
Less is certainly more and trying to cram so many things in has been my down fall in for a large chunk of my life, it is the spaces between that count for me and not how many things I have checked off my list.
Walking slowly through the park is much more meaningful for me than watching everything on Netflix - VERY tempting though that is!
See what you think of Ruby's take on Mental Health and how our brains work - you are welcome to comment below - I'd love to hear your opinion.
[ted id=1584]
