This became funny when my mate Thom reminded me that Elvis had died on the toilet. I am never sure why toilets and dying are funny.
They always make me smile and when used on direct conjunction with each other I laugh out loud. If that does not make you smile hopefully my “Iggy Pop” impression in the photo will.
So where was I?
I was in the bathroom and then shortly after that I was in the Accident and Emergency Room at our local hospital.
I’d been driven there by Sonia and Pete in their ambulance at 1am on Saturday morning. I had been tended to by a paramedic called Alan who had been called by my my #supercoolwife when I passed out on the toilet around midnight.
You are probably in a rush so I’ll start with the next best bit.
As the Alan the paramedic sat me down on a chair and started to take my blood pressure he asked me what had happened, how I felt and all those questions.
I was only just starting to feel ok, I was actually really shocked at what had just happened. ‘Usually’ when I had passed out, 10 years ago I often passed out, so I am allowed a ‘usual’.
It was because I’d pour some childish cocktail of alcohol and narcotics down my throat and just accepted it as part of the job. A few years ago I just suddenly collapsed twice at home – and then had mental breakdown so it all made sense – stress.
However, this time I am as happy as a pig in an organic bulletproof shit and feeling great. So what happened?
Alan questioned me a bit more as he shaved my chest to stick ECG receivers on. I was feeling ok but really drilling my head about what I had done to end up this situation.
He coughed and asked me more about ‘how I was performing’ in the bathroom – was I straining?
It is more common than you might realise for people to faint on the toilet as they push hard and pass out. I forgot to ask him for data, which I regret now.
I was not straining. He asked me to recount what I remembered.
I was lying on the sofa watching a documentary on Netflix about how StarBucks, GE, Google, Vodafone, IBM, Ford, Bank of America and many other companies pay either ZERO or very low tax, in the case of one company they actually turned over $24 Billion in the USA in 2010 and got a tax refund of a $1.5 million !!
Everyone agreed that was a bit fucked up but the company did not actually break the law.
You can also imagine my surprise to find out that most of the people who work at the top of the Inland Revenue or Tax Office the USA and Europe then go on to at PwC, or Mckinsey (the firm not the shit clothes brand) or Earnest and Young.
This mad me mad, but I don’t think it made me pass out.
I fall asleep and then #supercoolwife woke me up to actually get into bed.
I felt a bit weird but did not think of it, then I sat down and remember thinking ‘fuck, I feel REALLY thirsty’ – I always think of the movie with Ed Burns as an Alien / High School Football coach where the Alien is forever thirsty.
The next thing I know is #Supercoolwife screaming at me Bernie! Bernie!
And then shouting into the phone – what do you mean you’re “quite busy?!! – My husband is passed out on the bathroom floor of course I need a fucking ambulance.”
I am not sure whether I passed out again or her tone of voice kicked the person into immediate action but one minute later Alan the paramedic appeared in our bathroom, well not in a Star Trek type way, more at the door – but equally ready for action.
At this point I was more concerned with pulling my shorts up than my of state health.
I looked more like I’d been caught masturbating by my Mum than the medical drama that was happening.
Bleeding to death and being naked looks far more manly than being crawled up in a ball with your pants and shorts round your ankles.
The Logical Answer
The logical answer is what I’d eaten that day, two Bulletproof Coffees, three avocado’s, drank some Yerba Maté and not enough water, around 7pm I had a juice in Soho and then went to meet #Supercoolwife and #Babybernie at Oxford Circus.
Please note that I arrived at 90 Mainyard with a box full of healthy and nutritious food – I just forgot to open it.
So a day of caffeine, good fat, some green stuff that was left unbalanced by NO carbohydrate, healthy sugar or protein probably helped drive me in this direction.
However, I’d started to feel anxious on Thursday, I have become used to being very focused, calm and being able to make connections between projects and ideas fast as well as make decisions. My overall fear and anxiety had dropped significantly since the end of last year and I felt life was amazing – so much so I’d be a little annoying if you met me and you were down on your luck.
Good Karma and acceptance
For instance when Santander gang raped me with bank charges a couple of months ago I patiently waited a week for them to respond to my complaint, when they rang up to tell me they were still going to charge me I said thanks and hung up.
I did not hang up in anger, but I have worked out how to be accepting of adversity and focus on the one thing that is worth doing at that moment. Being angry about things you can’t do anything about is a time suck, energy suck and I am sure is bad karma for those around you.
I went back to my desk at 90 Mainyard and when my team of engineers and PR people ask me what was up. I declared we’d have no further conversation on the negative topic of Santander and their wrecking of the Spanish Economy and / or my bank charges, it was negative energy and we had a planet to save.
It does help that a couple of years ago at the peak of my depression I threw a telephone booth across Santander in Oxford Street when they assured me no one could do anything. 2 minutes later someone appeared, and two days later my bank charges were refunded. Funny that.
So where was I? Sorry this is the first time I have written anything since last Thursday so I am too excited.
I suddenly felt anxious and stopped on Thursday. I don’t believe in writer’s block – if you do it was like that – I do subscribe to the idea of “pissing about in the name of research block” and I found myself doing a lot of that. (My mate Steve talks about this in his book “Do the Work“)
That was not the problem. I started to beat myself up about what I was and was not doing, I checked my plan – everything I need to do was mapped out with buffers zones and time boxes and breathing spaces.
I am fucking good at what I am doing right now and when I am not doing it am working on getting better at it – just before you think i am totally arrogant I delight in learning more and more, it is my drug of choice these days and it reaps rewards.
On Friday I started in little blaze of glory and then by 4pm Friday had written nothing.
I did a few other things but my delightful speed and ‘hot knife through butter’ way in which I’d been kicking out stuff was gone.
Right now I am at around 1000 words and it has taken about 35 minutes to write this (not edit and check for grammar – as you can probably see) so to only get 433 words written by 4pm was horrific for me.
Looking back I think I should have thrown in the towel and gone home to rest.
I can always catch up in the morning and hands down I do 10 TIMES more creative work before midday than I do after.
Even if I am just telling myself that it works – so working VERY hard between 5am and 12pm is worth more that working between 12pm and 12am.
So the ‘Black Dog’ was creeping in.
I did not spot it.
What is the Black Dog? Here
Somehow with all the positive energy, rewarding projects with Publicate, OuiShare, Moondog podcast projects and sticking to a life changing practice of meditation and healthy eating – that my reserve tanks were being drilled by life robbing depression.
Before you gasp in sorry let me back up a bit.
- I did not realise this at the time. Which does make me feel even more dumb but that is why I am telling you now.
- I am totally fine! (Apart from the passing out thing)
- Being self aware is one of the most important skills we can constantly develop, diet and meditating are how I do that.
- I started to write a list and I can’t recall why – back to the paragraph.
I talk a lot about health, juice, state of mind and meditation my mates LouLou and Mike it is from these their wisdom that I have come to understand how important it is to take care of yourself. James writes about ‘calming the mind’ in ‘Choose yourself ‘ and it is one of the most rock steady bits of advice in the whole book. But you knew all that.
Just when you thought it was safe…
The thing is, just when we think we are ok and go diving into everything, that is when the other stuff we have been shutting down or sitting on pops up.
I felt so cool I was thinking of giving up therapy, I have been going less because of bank holidays and a couple of appointments neither of us could make.
Now I feel I am just getting to the meat.
The biggest thing in my way is my sense of self worth and that is also my responsibility responsibility to slay it, I have been slayed by it a few times in the past, now it is time for a big knife to the jugular of the ‘sense of self worth demon’ – stick the fucking knife right into main vein and let its blood ejaculate out and quickly bleed to death.
I won’t be asking #Supercoolwife to call Alan, Sonia or Pete to come round in their ambulance to rescue my sense of self worth demon.
In the mean time I am cancelling all public appearances – which, did not take long.