What do you most know about blogging Bernie?
Is a question I am never asked.
If I was an industry expert and was ‘often’ asked that question I’d be able to start this blog by saying ‘I am often asked by my clients…’
I have to say by this stage of the game it is all about fear, not tech, crafting words, SEO or anything useful and billable. Just fear. Even more than the type of fear a Tory politician experiences when asked to sign an transparency deceleration.
Honestly I am quite sure that everything is down to fear – fear of failure and fear of success.
Fear I’ll get fat, fear that my wife will leave me for David Bowie or the lead singer from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers and that my son will hate me.
All these little fears happen for a micro second maybe once a week and I know they are just my head processing thoughts and contemplating scenarios.
Of course I found this out years ago – but had to wait until now to make sure it was just fear and not me being a dumb arse or playing on my dyslexia.
In fact they are not real fears, I know these things are not really going to happen but they get built up into a huge story of fear and anxiety and, well then I can’t post a blog.
That is what happens. There said it.
Over the course of my time on this planet one or two things have gone wrong. I was sitting in therapy on Monday morning and having a really good heart to heart with Amalie, my therapist. Fifteen years ago events like my mother dying ahead of her scheduled departure date, my then-girl-friend having an abortion when I was so keen not to, closely followed by me being arrested as I fell out of Fabric night club with my brain full of something you definitely can’t buy in a chemist all happened in quick succession and I had no idea what was going on at the time or for a long time after.
When I was little
I was only little, well not that little. But they seemed huge. Something clicked and set like cement inside and stayed there for 15 years. Looking back now and talking about it seem nuts. How come a few things that happen in the space of a couple of months dominate life for fifteen years?
It was good to talk about it in this new way. It was amazing to be able to look at everything from a different angle, with freedom and even look at it objectively. Of course something trying to shout over my shoulder “you dumb fuck, how did you get in that situation?” and then I get all analytical and say to myself “how could you be so dumb as to let a few hours of events dictate your life for fifteen years?” or “Are you not meant to be a real man and let this stuff wash over you?”
Today I feel great. Free. It does seem a bit ridiculous to have so made so much of so little but I think it is how we are taught to deal with things that makes the difference. It did occur to me that in the last year I have made an accelerated improvement by really slowing down and by meditating. In fact the days when it all went wrong have were just habit kicking in – well that is what I think.
More than a few times last year everything was going great and then I’d crash.
I’d be back to being super stressed, back to being sick in the morning like a bulimic super model that is also pregnant with an alien. I was full of self loathing and angry that I was back in this state, what had I done wrong?
When you are a bit depressed being really fucking angry at yourself really helps.
Actually that last line is a lie. But you knew that.
So of course there has been healing and medication and diet, no coffee and lots of porridge and lentils. I have not had any drugs for over a decade and have drunk about two beers in the last three years total. I have nearly become vegetarian in search of a decent meal.
What has been really healing is therapy and meditation – this has been great for surfacing trust in myself and turning down the ‘Bernie the arsehole’ bit. I am not sure everyone near me would agree about the last bit…. but hey – Rome was not built in a day.