Racing home to pick up #babybernie – I noticed the date today and was thinking how much has changed in the last 12 months.
I have been ambling around listening to “Lola’s theme” by the Shapeshifters for nearly a decade (hells teeth – that long!) The key line for me is “I’m a different person, turned my World around – da da da daaa” – the first time I ever heard that song was coming into dock on the River Thames on a party boat.
I love the song, really love it, but it also twists me. When I heard it on the party boat I was having a great time, but I was also very very aware that the bucket load of drugs I’d taken would wear off after a while.
It was like I was a jengar tower and someone was slowly and accurately flicking blocks out every so often. I was so deeply unhappy and in despair, I did not like myself, I wanted to be in a different place and a different person and I so wanted to turn my life around.
I did not stop going mad on drugs I because “it was bad” it was the brain crushing come downs that seemed last for days and get more and more painful that made me stop.
Maybe this is why part of me is so strong and I know myself so well in certain areas that I might not have ever thought about or connected with.
So shoot forward about 10 years…
I can listen to that song and I get taken to back to the place, I could tell you who I was standing with, where I was standing on the boat and what the DJ was wearing. (I won’t for legal resons – some of those people are responsile adults now.)
It is like the moment is tattooed on the inside of my eyelids.
Where the change came…
I found God.
Is maybe what you expect me to say that or “I met #supercoolwife” – she has certainly made the world significantly better place to be but she did not “save me” like some people think.
We are both grown ups with fully functioning brains and our own packages of laughter and pain. In fact what Lorena has bravely let me do is relax and be myself, she has allowed a measure of self belief to trickle through.
Even before this horrid last couple of years she has delivered an unconditional love and support that I am only just starting to get my head round as I look back over my shoulder and blog about it.
Where did that child come from?
Maybe it’s just me, but having children is a huge huge thing. I look at #babybernie and panic sometimes, then in other ways I don’t even have to think what to do – I just know – there is an intuition in me that I don’t recall ever finding out.
ZIKES! I am out of time! I have to run chow!