Fuck me this has been the worst day for ages. I am declaring a meltdown. In fact I took another dose of anti-depressant this afternoon as I was thinking I had not taken any. Of course I had it is the second thing I do every day.
I have been moping around all day, I feel the most angry I have done for ages – I even shouted at #Babybernie this morning – I only shout at #Babybernie when we are practising “Good Morning Vietnam” – so of course I was even more angry at myself and then spent the whole morning trying to calm down.
I had two calls this morning and two this afternoon they all were fun and went well.
When I got off the calls I slipped back into self loathing mode. It was like someone was following me around painting on depression paint on me all day.
The QUEST of the London Marathon fell way off the sideline today too.
I went to the shop and brought a loaf of shit white bread and a huge packet of bacon. I only had £3.50 in change and was pissed at the VERY nice lady in our corner shop because if I paid by card I’d pay 30p.
I never mind paying 30p – I think the banks are wankers for this charge but hey! The VERY nice lady in the shop could have made my day.
I was looking at bread and picked a packet of rolls as they fitted my ‘I’m not paying 30p to pay by card charge’ budget.
VERY nice lady in the shop offered me the big loaf of bread at the price of the four small rolls as the bread would be out of date tomorrow.
I said yes. I was grateful and instead of this feeling like a abundant and gratitude thing it felt like a WIN for me.
Human me said thank you and assured her that was very nice thing to do. Because it was. Miserable fucker me could not wait to get out the shop.
Just as I was about to leave human and grateful me said ‘Oh, can you let people know the Central line is really broken and all the buses are packed – it’s a mess!’
‘Sure, Bernie – thanks for letting me know’ said VERY nice lady in the corner shop.
‘Why did you waste your time on that Bernie?’ said miserable fucker Bernie. (to me)
Return of the #Babybernie
I picked him up from nursery.
I’d already decided we were going to the park whether I liked it or not.
‘Dad – you OK now?’
‘Dad can I want to go to the park – are you coming?’
I calmed down properly for the first time all day.
We walked very slowly into the park looking at every snail, worm, leaf and flower – it was great. I kept breathing deeply and going slowly.
I started to feel better and became very aware that I just could not let this anger and venom in me drift out or let go.
I said to myself that everything was on time and being in the park at this moment in time – like we are nearly everyday was all I needed to do.
I went quite and have been quiet until now. I am really hoping that when I wake up tomorrow this shroud of blackness has gone.
Writing this blog post has made me feel better – if I had fallen at day four I would have cried.