There is a new struggle today. But I am alert and winning.
Yesterday was epic, I kept on track and productive all day. I planned my time, tasks and energy.
It went a bit wrong at the end, I lost track of time and ended up getting home late.
However, at the end of the day I felt tired and accomplished, over the last few months at a similar time of day I’d felt like killing myself (not that I ever would, I am far to anxious for that.)
Usually my head would be ringing, I’d see no way out, I would be mad, really angry with myself that I’d sat down for five hours with everything in the world I need at that moment in time and still spun into a fit of panic, anxiety and despair for most of the day.
Of course being angry and wound up is a really productive way of being – NOT.
Harder when you think
I find it really hard for the first few minutes of everyday. I know all I have to do is think about good things in my life (amazing wife and child, Mac book Pro – and not always in that order…..)
Then my head quickly gets to “let’s do it” when I get going in the right way I quickly snap out of it and can solve anything. The time between crashing and recovery is getting shorter and shorter, it is almost fun to crash this week to enjoy the comeback.
Last year often I’d wake up and spend most of the morning vomiting as a result of anxiety. I am good at handling this, in my youth I drank so much vodka and tequila I have a process of sleeping, alka selztar (or however you spell it) I follow which gets me back on track – physically anyway.
I think I have almost forgotten that process, I have not had to use it for a long time, which is great.
So what did I do?
I really committed to a system and made sure I did less and said NO very loudly to anything else.
Anyone that hangs around me will know I am always looking for the killer project tool, blogging app, workflow program or CRM that is going to save the world.
3 is the magic number I have always actively avoided Apple’s “reminders app” – until now. In the last few weeks I have started to add things I need to do everyday.
This is around blogging like this, eating, having three very focused time periods everyday,
I have also really committed to an App called “Rescue Time” that I have been using for about a year. Rescue time tracks how you use your computer, it took about an hour to really set it up so now I can press one button and it blocks every website apart for from client and fee paying work.
It is sooooooo scary how often you “quickly deal with that email” or “read that tweet” – after looking at my use of time I was ashamed and angry.
Yesterday at 90Mainyard was spot on. The feeling of ending the day with so much done was EPIC.
So what is wrong today?
I have a well planned day, I am doing the right things, I am looking forward to not looking at my computer all weekend.
Who ya gonna call?
I have a little ghost following me around that is saying, meet them for coffee (I will get to you Kevin) don’t go to mediation with Lou, do that thing today and don’t worry about the podcasts.
It is quite easy to flick the ghost on the nose and tell it to piss off. It is like a jack Russell puppy that has drank to much Red Bull.
It is the old and self destructive part of me that is kicking and screaming to stay alive, it is nearly over. I am not sure it will ever go away but I am certainly out running it this week.
I just have to point out… the “ghost” is a metaphor, an example – I am not actually seeing things or think that I am being followed.
Thanks to all of you that help this, the feeling is great and I wish I’d asked for help sooner.
Have a remarkable day – send from my mobile device.